IDLE HANDS - The Devil gives you the finger!

"IDLE HANDS" of fate. Originally published 9/20/99


They say, "Idle hands are the devil's workshop." Well if that's true then 'ol Satan was really making the wood chips fly when he created the teen-horror-comedy, "Idle Hands".

Ah the teen years! The magical time in life when boys become men. The time when their thoughts naturally turn to cars, sex, career, sex, money, sex, sex and of course HOMICIDE. Such is the plight of the teen stars of "Idle Hands".

While starring no one in particular, the film does feature the guy from the 10-10-345 commercials, fortunately he gets killed very early in the film, probably for forgetting that Jupiter and not Saturn, is the 5th planet.

Anyway it's not long before we learn that the 10-10 guy's son; Anton played by Devon Sawa, is possessed by something evil that only affects his right hand. Somehow this hand can drag Anton around forcing him to kill people and also cause him to spaz around like Jerry Lewis on acid. And speaking of acid, there's plenty of casual drug use depicted, which is always fun for the kiddies. Anyway, the evil hand causes Anton to kill his parents and two best friends, who reanimate from the dead to "hang" with their homicidal bud. There's also plenty of profanity and hip 90's teen lingo such as, "That's messed up man" and "No f...'way!" and surprisingly very little sex.

Well to make a long movie short, Anton ends up chopping off the offending member (his hand that is) for which he seeks no medical attention, yet somehow he neglects to bleed to death. The hand meanwhile continues on it's killing spree, setting it's sights on Anton's girlfriend (shades of 'The Crawling Hand'). Vivica A. Fox eventually shows up and kills the hand, the girlfriend is saved, the dead guys go to heaven, and Anton gets crushed by a car but will still end up "getting some" which is good since he lost his hand. But first he'll have to wait until the body-cast comes off.

So the moral of "Idle Hands" seems to be that, despite stacks of dead bodies, rampant use of marijuana and the deaths of close friends and family members, everybody lives happily ever after...you know, except for the dead guys...

"Idle Hands", is a "horror-comedy" with a curious lack of humor and only a general feeling of gassiness, which might possibly be confused with fear. Unless of course you find it frightening that the producers apparently thought that there was an audience out there that would find humor in mass murder and scenes of bloody gore.

So if your idea of a good time includes beheadings, stabbings, dismemberment, lots of drug references, profanity, and a plot that insults your intelligence from start to finish, then "Idle Hands" is the film for you!

STARSHIP TROOPERS - This Bug bugs me, he really bugs me!

STARSHIP TROOPERS - I don't want to know more! - Originally published 9/6/99


Starship Troopers is a movie that escaped from Hollywood a few years back. It's based on the book by Robert Heinlein, whose work I respected until now. Although to blame the author for this mess is probably unfair. But, I DON'T CARE! Here's the scoop:

In the not too distant future a lot of very attractive, and strangely caucasian South American Ubermensch will be forced to fight a war against giant computer animated bugs called Arachnids, from the planet Klendathu.

WOULD YOU LIKE TO KNOW MORE? Good.

It seems these giant bugs have developed a way of transporting asteroids through space millions of miles to crash land with pinpoint accuracy on Earth. The extremely good looking cast must find a way of stopping the bugs before all life on Earth is destroyed. Enter Johnny Rico played by a very white Casper Van Dien, he's a grunt in the Mobile Infantry. Along with fellow troopers; perky dolphin-nosed Denise Richards as Carmen Ibanez, Neil Patrick (Doogie Howser) Harris as Carl Jenkins, and Dina Meyer as "Dizzy", they must fight against giant flesh-ripping, flame-breathing and brain-sucking insects. Ugly Michael "Show Destroyer" Ironside, who has single-handedly presided over the demise of more than one sci-fi franchise, joins them.

WOULD YOU LIKE TO KNOW MORE? No? Well tough! I had to sit through it, and so do you!

The main story is wedged in between futuristic newsreel type propaganda recruitment films for the Futuristic Hilter-like Earth Forces. Each framing sequence ends with the question "Would you like to know more?" But unfortunately, you can't hit the "NO" option.

Director Paul Verhoeven takes us on this ultra-violent, ultra gory ride into the future of pest control. Heads are torn off, soldiers are scissored in half, giant spider-like insects are riddled with bullets, and that's just the first two minutes, no really! The bloodfest continues almost uninterrupted for the next two hours. There is an attempt at a love story of some sort and a few non-killing scenes. But most of the time its kill, bleed, die! Ah fun! The killing gets pretty graphic too. In a particularly icky scene, a soldier is burned alive by flame-breathing bug. In another, a sharp-pointy bug impales a female soldier. Another soldier has his brains sucked out by big squishy brain-sucker bug. Yet another soldier has his head blown off in training. And who can forget the tender, soldier being torn in half by bugs, then being shot by his own troops, scene? Delightful! Yet during all of this, the cast manages to stay oddly clean and well groomed.

Anyway, there are also a couple of nude scenes, a little something for the ladies and the guys too. I believe this was probably the director's way of saying "Sorry about the movie, here are some breasts."

WOULD YOU LIKE TO KNOW MORE? Annoying isn't it?

Finally the most truly bizarre part of Starship Troopers has got to be the fact that this ultra violent, ultra graphic, ultra bloody, adult language-filled, nude scene-laden R-rated gore fest had a kid's TOY LINE based on it!

I can see it now...

SANTA: "Little Billy, do you want an 'ARACHNID' action-figure for Christmas?"

LITTLE BILLY: "NOOOOOO! WAAAAAH! MOMMIE!!!GET IT OFF, GET IT OFF!!"

Starship Troopers... The movie that had so many computer generated effects that it made George Lucas say, "I'D LIKE TO KNOW MORE!"