STARSHIP TROOPERS - This Bug bugs me, he really bugs me!

STARSHIP TROOPERS - I don't want to know more! - Originally published 9/6/99


Starship Troopers is a movie that escaped from Hollywood a few years back. It's based on the book by Robert Heinlein, whose work I respected until now. Although to blame the author for this mess is probably unfair. But, I DON'T CARE! Here's the scoop:

In the not too distant future a lot of very attractive, and strangely caucasian South American Ubermensch will be forced to fight a war against giant computer animated bugs called Arachnids, from the planet Klendathu.

WOULD YOU LIKE TO KNOW MORE? Good.

It seems these giant bugs have developed a way of transporting asteroids through space millions of miles to crash land with pinpoint accuracy on Earth. The extremely good looking cast must find a way of stopping the bugs before all life on Earth is destroyed. Enter Johnny Rico played by a very white Casper Van Dien, he's a grunt in the Mobile Infantry. Along with fellow troopers; perky dolphin-nosed Denise Richards as Carmen Ibanez, Neil Patrick (Doogie Howser) Harris as Carl Jenkins, and Dina Meyer as "Dizzy", they must fight against giant flesh-ripping, flame-breathing and brain-sucking insects. Ugly Michael "Show Destroyer" Ironside, who has single-handedly presided over the demise of more than one sci-fi franchise, joins them.

WOULD YOU LIKE TO KNOW MORE? No? Well tough! I had to sit through it, and so do you!

The main story is wedged in between futuristic newsreel type propaganda recruitment films for the Futuristic Hilter-like Earth Forces. Each framing sequence ends with the question "Would you like to know more?" But unfortunately, you can't hit the "NO" option.

Director Paul Verhoeven takes us on this ultra-violent, ultra gory ride into the future of pest control. Heads are torn off, soldiers are scissored in half, giant spider-like insects are riddled with bullets, and that's just the first two minutes, no really! The bloodfest continues almost uninterrupted for the next two hours. There is an attempt at a love story of some sort and a few non-killing scenes. But most of the time its kill, bleed, die! Ah fun! The killing gets pretty graphic too. In a particularly icky scene, a soldier is burned alive by flame-breathing bug. In another, a sharp-pointy bug impales a female soldier. Another soldier has his brains sucked out by big squishy brain-sucker bug. Yet another soldier has his head blown off in training. And who can forget the tender, soldier being torn in half by bugs, then being shot by his own troops, scene? Delightful! Yet during all of this, the cast manages to stay oddly clean and well groomed.

Anyway, there are also a couple of nude scenes, a little something for the ladies and the guys too. I believe this was probably the director's way of saying "Sorry about the movie, here are some breasts."

WOULD YOU LIKE TO KNOW MORE? Annoying isn't it?

Finally the most truly bizarre part of Starship Troopers has got to be the fact that this ultra violent, ultra graphic, ultra bloody, adult language-filled, nude scene-laden R-rated gore fest had a kid's TOY LINE based on it!

I can see it now...

SANTA: "Little Billy, do you want an 'ARACHNID' action-figure for Christmas?"

LITTLE BILLY: "NOOOOOO! WAAAAAH! MOMMIE!!!GET IT OFF, GET IT OFF!!"

Starship Troopers... The movie that had so many computer generated effects that it made George Lucas say, "I'D LIKE TO KNOW MORE!"